Can You Feel The Dumb Tonight?

Happy Valentine's Day Everyone! Since it is the day de l'amour, I thought it fitting to tell a story about a girl I almost met last month.

Before I begin, I'd like to say a few things. First off, I have met several wonderful people online (in fact, I met my favorite girlfriend yet through the Internet). I've also read extensively and done my dissertation research on Internet personals websites. This story should in no way support the idea that all Internet girls are screwed up.

Secondly, I want to say that, although there were things which were kind of weird, it didn't seem so bad to be any "deal breakers" until the end, when I took time to reflect upon the whole thing. At the time, I was making an effort to overlook some of the "kinda weird things" in order to broaden my self and, truthfully, to connect with another person out here. Now, all put together, I realize what I truly missed out on.

You know, it is not very often that I think to myself "Wow, this person is crazy!" And I am a psychologist who has worked with schizophrenics! AND I didn't think most of THEM were "crazy"....

But this one was. Oh man, was she ever....

As I mentioned, I met this person online. Mid-October, I think. She was 23 years old. I wasn't too impressed with her to begin with, but she seemed smart and insightful enough that I enjoyed talking to her online and, soon thereafter, on the telephone. She lived at home, never went to college, and was "self-employed" with a new EBay business. Now, I am not saying that there is anything wrong with any one of those things...possibly even two...but put them all together, and it is very unattractive. Strike one.

Another interlude...I have noticed a difference out here from where I grew up. When you turn 21 in the Northeast, you are supposed to go out with your friends and get really drunk. When someone turns 21 out here, they are apparently supposed to get married and have 3 kids. Early on in our conversations, the girl I was talking to wanted to know if I was here to stay, saying that she's 23, not getting any younger, and doesn't have time to mess around. At one point she even accused me of moving (is that really something that you can "accuse" someone of doing?) Strike two.

Furthermore, she not only lives with her parents, but intends to even after she gets married ("Why should my husband and I buy a house? I already have one."). This, however, was not a problem for me, as I never intended to be around the area long enough to marry her.

In addition, she said that she wanted to be cautious when meeting someone from the Internet, believing that there are weird, dangerous people online. So, she wanted to have our first meeting (which never happened...more on this below) chaperoned. Okay. By her dad. A little weird, but still okay. By her dad with a gun (doesn't this violate any concern I would have about dangerous people online?). Strike three.

Anyhow, we talked on the phone for a few months, as I was not in a huge rush to meet this stellar exemplar of female perfection. We enjoyed talking, we laughed, and we had very interesting, intelligent conversations. We did talk about getting together "sometime," and she seemed excited about this.

Then came January, which is really where the amusement came to a crescendo.

I saw her online one night, and I asked what she was doing. "Watching TV with my mom," she replied. So, I asked when might be a better time to call. She told me that calling right then would be fine. I did, and I listened to her watch TV with her mother for like 10 minutes, as they commented on the plot of whatever show was on. This was not interesting to me, I felt like I was intruding, and we really weren't speaking to one another anyhow. So I said I was going to get going, but would she like to get together that weekend? "Oh, definitely!" she replied. "You're not weirded out that my dad and I are going to abduct you or anything?" I told her that, while I had never been on a chaperoned date before (thinking to myself: "I'm 27 years old!"), and that it might feel a bit awkward for me at first, I understood where she was coming from and it wasn't a big deal for me.

I need to pause here for a moment to say that I really have no idea exactly what happened next. I truly got lost somewhere. Suffice to say, though, that it was both surprising and amusing to me.

Also, I didn't say two words from this point on. She just suddenly snapped at me and began yelling at me about something that started with "I don't want to be rude, but..." (which basically meant "I'm about to be INCREDIBLY rude, and I will pretend that by saying I don't mean to, somehow it will magically make me not rude at all). Somehow she went from saying "Oh, let's definitely get together this weekend" to telling me that I am really quite creepy, not at all funny, and some other things that I lost track of. She ended by saying that she never wanted me to call her again. Not surprisingly, given all of this in addition to what I knew about her beforehand, I was totally fine with that. Taken aback, but at the same time I really didn't care (and probably would not have called her again anyhow).

But that's not the *best* part, oh no! You see, while she was telling me all about her perceptions of me (which was very different from how she was acting toward me before), her MOTHER was in the background, SCREAMING at me through the phone about how I will be a horrible psychologist and that I need to find really desperate girls to date who won't ask questions!

Apparently there were questions, with which I had problems....

I am so glad that her mother pointed out what a horrible psychologist I am, as it is something that has somehow managed to slip by all my professors and supervisors for the last 5 years! I suppose if I were a better psychologist, I would have some thoughts about the kind of person who switches moods so suddenly. Also, the words "enmeshed family dynamic" would hold some meaning to me.

So she and I parted ways, both believing we have a story about a crazy person we met online. However, only one of us has professional credentials in assessing psychological problems.

And some people wonder why they are still single.....