My Brilliant-Assed Contribution to the Field

As part of my job, I talk with college students about their difficulty deciding upon a career path. For some of us, we were fortunate enough to find or just know what we wanted to do and what we needed to do in order to get that great job. For others, they either have no idea what they want to do with their lives, or they have a job in mind but no idea what to major in to prepare for it. Most of the time, these students only know that they don't want to do "the main majors:" psychology, education, business, and communication.

Enter me and my brilliant-assed contribution.

(I should add that these ideas do not apply to what I have learned is the "M.R.S. Degree," which is basically where young women enroll in college to find an educated man with a bright future. These ladies then need to declare a major when in fact "a job" wasn't really on their minds.)

Okay, back to me and my ideas:

1) Batman villain henchman/henchwoman: No one really talks about this profession with college students, but it can potentially be quite lucrative if applicants are well-prepared. In addition to high earning-potential, henchmen can express themselves, as there are many types of henchmen to choose from. For example, they can choose to dress up like clowns (and who doesn't like clowns?), birds, or wear various other multi-colored outfits. There are also opportunities to practice creativity and technical know-how, as there are often problems that come up during capers and they usually involve some sort of computer or security system. Henchmen can have families and care for their children, as most heists take place at night. However, henchmen should be in good physical condition, as they will get their asses kicked nightly.

Academic preparation should include coursework in computer science, theater and character study, and many martial arts and exercise classes.

2) Pornographic film extra: Many untalented students who aspire to careers in acting tend to overlook this important vocation. For those students who want to be actors, but just cannot deliver their scripted dialogue with any degree of believabily, this is the ideal profession. Nudity is not required, as on-screen roles tend to be things like "guy who comes to fix the copy machine but can't because there are people having sex on it" and "stuffy librarian who frowns at people having sex near the encyclopedias."

Academic preparation should include some acting classes and the ability to walk.

3) People who sit outside and smoke all the time: I admit, I don't know much about this vocation, but it seems to be gaining in popularity. I have lived in three apartment complexes, and each had 4-10 people who are constantly outside smoking. It seems to be a fun job, because people who choose this profession are always outside my window laughing and playing music at all hours of the day and night. Apparently, this job does not interfere with having a family (as too many jobs can), because each group has at least three children. It is also profitable, as these people do not need to leave the apartment community to have enough money to buy a lot of beer (or at least buy empty bottles with which to decorate their patio or lawn), stereo equipment, or food.

Academic preparation includes being a douche-bag loser....