I Suck With Cars and Manliness and Such

Yes, I admit it - I suck with cars and manliness and such.

Or, if I wanted to be egotistical and defensive (ME?! NEVER!) I could just say that cars and manliness and such are so complicated, that even a doctor can't figure them out. But I won't say that and, instead, I will concede my inadequacy....

Let's start with the simplest example and, hopefully, you will get bored by it and not read further to the more embarrassing one (which, now that I've named it like that, everyone will probably read ahead and skip the simple one to get to the "good stuff." Screw you.... :-p).

My "Service Engine Soon" light recently came on in my car. I am very much aware that this signifies a more assertive approach from the car manufacturers and maintenance people, as it USED to be a "Check Engine" light....now they are not suggesting that car owners examine anything (which would allow us to decide that we are okay with how things are going under the hood, thanks for your interest car manufacturers and maintenance people), but rather demanding that we get our engines worked on really soon.

For me, this is a losing situation no matter what. I know nothing about cars beyond how to make mine go forward, backwards, and how to make the music louder (I never quite make it softer, for some reason....). The mechanic could tell me anything, and I'd have to go along with it. "Well, it seems that your flux capacitator is firing intermittently....we are going to need to take your trunk out and fill it with emulating solvent, then try to put it back in after attaching your tires to the roof." "Ummm....okay, here's my credit card...take what you need."

This time around, the actual diagnosis was something to do with misfiring, requiring sparkplug replacement. Me, being a total moron about cars, authorized this service. The parts (4 sparkplugs) cost a grand total of $12. Labor was $110. On reflection, I probably could have found a way to do it myself, or at least got a friend to take a few minutes and change my spark plugs. But then, I wouldn't have learned anything, now would I? Sad part is, all I learned is that spark plugs are cheap and probably easy to change, but if they did it right (and for $110 they damn sure better have!), then I shouldn't have any reason to use what I have learned.....

HERE'S THE FUNNY-EMBARRASSING ONE: Two weeks ago, and two and a half months after I was hired, the University of Dayton held a dinner to welcome me (and about 25 other new employees) to UD. I brought Karin and we had a great dinner with enjoyable conversation....minus the mandatory soliloquy about Mother Mary and such....and left feeling quite happy and competent in the knowledge that I am an intelligent, accomplished person worthy of respect.

Then, shortly after pulling out of the parking lot, we heard thumping coming from the rear passenger side, which turned out to be a flat tire. We pulled into a bar parking lot. Now, being the self-aware person that I am, I knew that I did not know how to change the tire and did not even make the attempt. However, being the man I am, I refused to admit that I did not know how to change a tire. So, being incredibly manly, I made my poor girlfriend go into the bar and ask each person if anyone knew how to change a tire while I waited outside.

This resulted in a group of men standing around my car, telling me manly things ("The puncture is too close to the edge of the tire, so you're not going to be able to patch it up") and wishing I had a jack or lugwrench. Eventually, someone lent me their AAA membership (did I mention that I am not only intelligent, self-aware, and manly, but also too cheap to have renewed my own AAA membership?) and a man in a toe truck changed my tire as I tried to make manly car-related banter ("Yeah, the puncture is really close to the outside, so I'm not going to be able to patch it up").

Or maybe I am just challenging gender standards and norms.....