Three Questions About What My Dog Found

I took Melisma for a walk this morning down the 4-lane street toward the High School and bike path. On the way back she rummaged in some grass along the sidewalk and emerged with what appeared to be a blackened, fossilized pair of women's underwear. This lead me to wonder about three things:

1) How does a pair of women's underwear wind up in the grass alongside a major 4-lane road? (I imagine a couple walking together and realizing that they could not wait any longer before falling into one another's arms)

2) Did the underwear come to look like that before or after it was removed from the woman? And if it was before, is there nothing that would turn off the guy?

3) (and most importantly) What is it about disgusting, blackened, hardened women's underwear that makes my dog think "wow, I need to put that in my mouth and carry it with me"?

Faith in Our Media-Driven Legal System

While visiting my friend Caroline the other night, a reality-court program came on which made me really start to worry about how some people decide to handle their legal affairs.

And keep in mind that I wanted to accept the invitation I received to be on Judge Judy a couple years ago.

The show, hosted and augmented by the legal genius that is Kato Kaelin, was called "Eye For An Eye." This is a courtroom show where people go to settle disputes in front of a meek, soft-spoken, skinny guy with the nameplate "Extreme Akim" (he does wear a judge's robe, if that helps at all). During the breaks, Kato Kaelin interviews people on the street about their views on the trial, while also providing his very own insights into the matter under consideration.

...yes, THAT Kato Kaelin....the one who couldn't verify if O.J. Simpson was at home or not when Nicole Brown-Simpson was murdered....he is now providing insights (or trying to anyhow) for legal disputes.

This particular episode focused on a divorcing couple who were fighting over who gets custody of their parrot. Each litigant brought an expert witness: the plaintiff brought her friend from the strip-club to testify that the defendant is a pervert who once stole her underwear; the defendant brought the pet store owner to testify that he purchases food for the bird.

During one of the breaks, as the Honorable Akim (or is it "the Honorable Extreme?") debated the matter, Kato interviewed people on the street to get their perspectives. One person commented that they should cut the bird and give each litigant half, to which Kato replied "Wow, don't go to Thanksgiving dinner at this guy's house!" Sure, because this guy might....ummm...cut the turkey......(side note: how come Kato Kaelin is still on TV, but I am not?)

In the end, the Honorable Akim (or "the Honorable Extreme") decided that the key issue at hand was not who put more time or money into the bird, but rather who loves the bird more. Therefore, he decreed that each litigant should go eat some live worms (despite the fact that parrots, to my knowledge, do not eat worms). Whomsoever loved the bird the most would be the one to eat the most live worms. Both the woman and man ate 27 live worms, one-by-one, but the woman was somehow disqualified because she forgot the rules and drank some water.

However, the man, even though he ate more than two-dozen live earthworms to win custody, gave the woman the parrot anyway.

When I pointed out how silly the premise for this show was, my friend pointed out that, if sued, I would probably be willing to eat dog food to keep custody of my dog. She apparently skipped the assumption that I would ever put myself into a situation where "hey, you have to eat dog food to keep your dog" would be a likely outcome.

Although it does make its own gravy.....

New Words for Spellcheck

I ran a spellcheck on my previous post before I put it online. Interestingly (and stupidly), the spellcheck for this blogging program does not know the word "blog."

That is dumb. My blog doesn't know that "blog" is a word. However, when I accidentally insert a numb3r in the midd1e of a w0rd, no problem.

And this is the technology that the unibomber fears?

(oh, and I just ran a check on this post and learned that the spellcheck program on this site also does not recognize the word "spellcheck." Argh.)

Stories About My Friend John Orgar

My friend and college roommate has complained that this blog is not about him. So, I am dedicating a whole entry to my friend and college roommate, John Orgar!

John Orgar and I went to the park this past weekend. It was a lot of fun, and my friend really seemed to enjoy himself. It was nice for me to be walking around in the sunny-sunshine, and he played and ran around on the grass. A few people seemed a bit put off when John Orgar kept sniffing their crotches as they passed, though, but he kept a happy smile on his face. John Orgar went nuts and chased after ducks in the water. At one point (and this was especially cute), my friend John Orgar jumped into the pond after some ducks, only to find out that the mud was a lot deeper than he had thought. The entire length of his legs was pitch black when he hopped out! It was so adorable, but I still forced John Orgar to go back into the water at another place to wash off. Of course, he then did that thing that a lot of friends do where he shook the water off of his body and onto everything else! I was a bit soggy, but John Orgar's toothy grin made me smile, as if he were saying "ha! look what I did!"

I tried to keep John Orgar walking along with me, but every now and again he would insist on stopping to eat something he found in the dirt. He also peed on like every-other rock and bush, too. You know, because not enough things smell like John Orgar's pee, apparently.

When we got home, John Orgar devoured the food I left for him in a bowl on the floor, then kept licking me until I threw a stuffed toy bone for him to run after.

All in all, a good day with my friend and college roommate John Orgar.

(there, you happy now, John?)

Bad Pictures of My Sister

Just because I think it is really funny, here are some bad pictures of my sister for everyone to laugh at:

All the Numbers.....The Numbers!

As a psychologist, I know that the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem.

(well, actually, I suppose that the first step would actually be to have a problem to be admitted to, which may seem obvious, but I have worked with people who have admitted to addictions and problems that that really did not have)

I am addicted to Sudoku. I bought a book of 300 of them, and I do several each day, and I even know what "Sudoku" means in Japanese! I see the numbers and cells and columns sometimes when I close my eyes. Sometimes during therapy sessions when my mind would normally get momentarily distracted by a stray thought, I find myself thinking about the patterns.

And, as with all good addictions, I cannot stop. Once I finish one puzzle, I have to do another. I have even missed out on some sleep to do "just one more."

There should totally be a support group for this....

Oh, the Week I've Had

Ah, the week I've had. Argh. Mostly.

For most of the week, the weather has been ugly. Rainy, gray, cold, and just plain depressing. The kind of weather that makes you feel irritable. Didn't help much that my dog LOVES the damp, cold weather (she also went nuts for the snow, too). So, I had to go outside and become miserable for her to be happy. I'm such a good daddy! :)

As for work, it is the start of the summer semester. Only one of my clients left my caseload at the end of the spring semester due to graduation; the rest are staying. Fine. But, apparently, the rest are also not all showing up this week. Monday was okay, but the rest of the week was less so. Without going into my entire schedule, I'll just summarize and say that, of the 28 hours of work I am paid to do between Tuesday and Friday, 17 of those hours were either canceled meetings or clients not showing up. Given that I didn't have 17 hours worth of other things to do this week (more like 3 hours), I was quite bored. And it was rainy and depressing outside my office window.

As part of my internship, the three interns have a two-hour block each week for "Intern Support Time" over lunch. This week, among other things, one of the other interns commented that I "need to have some fun before the end of the internship year." Apparently, she has decided that she is dissatisfied with the amount of fun I am currently having, as I have chosen not to walk around in the cold to see outdoor art presentations or make myself available to socialize with her crowd of people, who talk a lot about the environment and say things that make me feel badly about the food I eat. She is unhappy with my life, so I should change? Ummm, no.

The worst thing from this week was being blown off by a friend of mine, because her new boyfriend (who broke up with her last week, but recently changed his mind) wanted to talk with her. I hate being blown off, especially at the last minute, and especially when I was really looking forward to seeing someone. Pretty much every female friend I have had has stopped talking to me when they got a new boyfriend (either because they no longer bothered to make the effort, or because their boyfriend disapproved of our friendship). So, suffice it to say, I am rather sensitive to this. I have had it happen too often to trust that friends can have boyfriends and still be bothered with me. With this particular friend, tho, it may have been ironed out. We'll see.

On the positive side, I am still hopeful about the job at Ithaca (I am supposed to hear later this month whether I got the job). I also received three invitations for a telephone interview this past week. All three are for post-docs, and all three are in the Midwest (Dayton, Indianapolis, and Milwaukee), so I am not super-excited about them, but it is nonetheless good to have possibilities out there. Beats working at a supermarket next year!

And now I am bored again.....

Two Points of Annoyance

Hi. Today I had the glad fortune to stumble upon two things which I had not realized were so annoying to me. Because, really, isn't that important to know? ;)

Annoying Thing One: Since it was a beautiful sunny day today, I went to the park with Melisma. I figured she would run, sniff things, bounce into the water, and generally be merrily-spastic until I tied her to something while I read some of my book in the afternoon sun. Add to this that the park, two blocks from my apartment no less, has chicks and ducks and geese (which better scurry) and streams and all sorts of beautiful nature loveliness. Nice day, right? Well, except that a lot of other people had the same idea as me. Which brings me to annoying thing number one:

People's jackets (which are unnecessary on a day like today anyhow) do not "hold" the entire park bench for them while they sit somewhere else and eat or play. What people's jackets on park benches DO do (huh huh...) is make me have to walk around the park for an extra 10 minutes stalking people who seem to be leaving their park bench (then Melisma and I pounce!)

(Incidentally, this is not so much an annoyance as it is kind of odd....children will just walk up to someone else's dog and begin to pet it, but never actually ask or even look at the owner)

On to Annoying Thing Two: Cell-phone Chirping. Some cell phones have a "walkie-talkie" feature on them that allows other people to contact the owner directly, very much like a walkie-talkie (go figure, right?), signaled by an electronic chirping sound. The problem? Some people KEEP using this feature for the duration of their conversation. So every single time anything is said, people around them hear a loud "CHIRP!" As I sit on my balcony, birds chirping is pleasant; electronic devices chirping are very much not. Oh, and because the person is using the walkie-talkie feature, they are also holding the phone away from their mouth and yelling into it. "{CHIRP!} What you eating? {CHIRP!} McDonald's. {CHIRP!} Man, I ate McDonald's yesterday. {CHIRP} Yeah, and that's why you look like a pig. {CHIRP!} Fuck you, yo. Man, It's a nice relaxing day, huh? {CHIRP!} Yeah, it's real nice to be able to sit outside and chill {CHIRP!}"

Sorry to interrupt your conversation, but any chance you could ask that person to move their jacket off of the bench?